just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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