I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
