Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You ruined the universe
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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