so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You're like the curious george of whores
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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