I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
