I just gift wrapped bread.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent