She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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