I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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