Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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