My hand turned me down
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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