I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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