A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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