Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
