If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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