so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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