It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
