Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
