I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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