She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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