life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My feet surprised me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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