Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
