He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
