i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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