His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize