I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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