I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
