It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
