I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Found the puke drawer
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
