I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
