you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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