He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
