You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
