Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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