i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
