Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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