My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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