I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
