It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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