I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
