ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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