I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
