Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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