she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
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is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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