GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
