Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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