Umm I'm too high to move.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
