On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
