Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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