Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
