I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Holy shit dude........stairs
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
