It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
