when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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