Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
