He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You smell like stripper and shame
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
