i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
